Why ‘Good Manners’ Sometimes Get in the Way of Good Parenting
Dec 29, 2024
Breaking the Politeness Reflex: Prioritizing Your Child Over Social Expectations
As parents, we want to advocate for our children’s needs and boundaries, but there’s often an internal tug-of-war between what we know we should do and the automatic urge to prioritize politeness—especially in moments requiring quick decisions rather than careful contemplation. Whether it’s allowing a relative to hug your hesitant child or responding to a stranger’s comment about your family, these scenarios can feel like small betrayals—not just of your child’s comfort, but of your parenting instincts and the boundaries you’re trying to model.
This reflex isn’t simply about being polite—it’s rooted in deeply ingrained social conditioning. Many of us were taught to avoid conflict, preserve harmony, and prioritize others’ comfort, even at the expense of our own well-being. Over time, this prioritization reinforces compliance over autonomy and can lead to fractured boundaries, missed opportunities for connection, and confusion for children learning to navigate the world.
The good news? Rewiring your brain to prioritize your child’s emotional well-being over societal norms is transformative. And while it’s hard—sometimes REALLY hard—it’s also worth practicing today. The key is starting small, giving yourself grace when you slip, and building the muscle over time.
Awareness Is the First Step
Notice the Politeness Reflex:
Start identifying the moments when this reflex kicks in. Are you afraid of offending someone? Worried about being judged? Awareness of the trigger allows you to pause before reacting.
Reframe Politeness:
Politeness doesn’t mean sacrificing your child’s or your own boundaries. Think of it as being kind yet firm. For example:
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“We’re teaching [child’s name] about boundaries right now, so we’re following their lead.”
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“That’s such a thoughtful offer, but we’ll need to pass today.”
Reconnect with Your Parenting Why:
In moments of doubt, ask yourself: What am I modeling for my child in this moment? Choosing their comfort and autonomy over social expectations reinforces their self-worth and teaches them resilience.
Examples of Politeness vs. Advocacy
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The Reluctant Hug
Your child hesitates when a family member leans in for a hug.
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Politeness Reflex: “Go on, give them a hug—it’s just a hug!”
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Boundary Advocacy: “Looks like they’re not feeling up for a hug right now. Maybe a wave or high-five instead?”
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The Overwhelmed Child
At a friend’s gathering, your child retreats into a corner. A well-meaning host says, “Come on, join the group!”
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Politeness Reflex: Smile and encourage your child to “just try.”
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Boundary Advocacy: “They’re feeling a little quiet right now. We’ll join in when they’re ready.”
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The Forced Interaction
Your 10-year-old doesn’t want to answer questions about school when a relative presses, “What’s your favorite subject?”
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Politeness Reflex: “Answer the question, it’s polite to chat!”
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Boundary Advocacy: “They don’t feel like talking about that right now, but thanks for asking.”
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The Pushy Invite
Your teen says no to a friend’s last-minute invite to hang out. The friend’s parent pushes, “Oh, come on, it’ll be fun! Everyone’s going!”
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Politeness Reflex: “Why don’t you go? It’s no big deal.”
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Boundary Advocacy: “Thanks for the invite, but they aren’t feeling up for it today.”
A Formula for Handling These Moments
When caught off guard, having a go-to formula can help:
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Acknowledge the Good Intentions:
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“I love that you want to connect with them.”
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“Thanks for being so thoughtful.”
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Set the Boundary:
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“We’re going to let [child’s name] decide if they’re comfortable right now.”
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“That’s something we’re keeping private.”
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Redirect or Appreciate:
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“Maybe a high-five or wave would work!”
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“We’re taking it slow today, but thanks for checking in.”
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The Long-Term Impact
By prioritizing your child’s boundaries over politeness, you’re equipping them with tools for life:
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Self-Advocacy: They learn that their comfort and consent matter.
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Empathy and Respect: They see that setting boundaries can coexist with kindness.
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Resilience in Discomfort: They understand that honoring their needs may feel awkward, but it’s worth it.
Final Thought
Breaking the politeness reflex isn’t about disregarding others—it’s about redefining what it means to be respectful. When you choose intentional parenting over autopilot politeness, you teach your children that their feelings, boundaries, and voices matter. You are teaching MUTUAL respect. And as they grow, they’ll take these lessons into the world, creating healthier, more empathetic relationships along the way.
Let’s raise a generation that knows politeness isn’t about compliance—it’s about mutual respect.