Disclaimer: This piece is more direct than most. It’s written from a place of fierce protection for queer families and the dignity we deserve. If someone finds your family “too confusing,” that’s their issue—not yours. This is about naming intellectual and emotional laziness for what it is and holding people accountable for their words and assumptions.

As queer parents, we often encounter comments that frame our identities or family structures as “too confusing” for other people’s children. Whether we hear these comments firsthand or through others, they can be deeply triggering.

Before deciding how—or if—you want to respond, it’s important to unpack what this comment really means.

When “Confusion” Masks Disapproval

Calling something “confusing” is sometimes a way of expressing disapproval without owning it. This can be incredibly frustrating because it shifts responsibility away from their discomfort and onto you. It’s a subtle (or not-so-subtle) way of saying, “Your family doesn’t fit, and that’s inconvenient for me.”

Even more disappointing is disapproval rooted in a lack of understanding or a refusal to try. When someone isn’t willing to think critically, engage with nuance, or genuinely seek understanding, it can feel like a betrayal. When someone dismisses your family under the guise of confusion, they’re refusing to meet you on the most basic human level—acknowledging your family’s dignity and worth.

There’s a big difference between:

• Disagreeing after engaging thoughtfully and critically.
• Disagreeing with no basis for understanding and no intention to learn.

The former can be disappointing but is rooted in a willingness to connect. The latter, however, is not confusion—it’s complacency. It’s intellectually and emotionally lazy.

When someone hides behind “confusion” as an excuse to avoid accountability, they’re not only refusing to do the mental work—they’re also failing to take responsibility. It’s a double betrayal: they’re dismissing your family while pretending their disapproval is neutral or justified.

Children Thrive in Confusion

One of the most absurd aspects of this comment is that children live in confusion. It’s their natural state. Confusion is how they explore, learn, and grow. To claim that your family is “too confusing” for children is not only a projection—it’s outright nonsense.

Avoiding confusion doesn’t teach children anything. Engaging with it does. Children need to navigate complexity and nuance to develop empathy, creativity, and critical thinking. Shielding them from difference only limits their growth. Confusion is the birthplace of Innovation,  Creativity, Complexity and Nuance.

The real issue isn’t that children can’t handle confusion—it’s that adults don’t want to confront their own.

Responses to Hold Them Accountable

Should you choose to respond, if they aren’t genuinely curious and open - your goal shouldn’t to soothe their discomfort—it’s to hold them accountable and challenge their assumptions. Here are some direct, succinct responses:

1. Kids live in confusion—it’s called learning. What you’re expressing feels more like judgment than confusion. Have you even thought critically enough about my family to have that strong of an opinion?
2. Kids thrive in confusion—it’s how they develop critical thinking. Your comment sounds less like confusion and more like disapproval. Are you sure you’ve reflected on this deeply enough to have a strong opinion?

Reframing the Comment

Ultimately, the issue isn’t your family or your identity—it’s the other person’s discomfort with what they don’t understand. Their comment isn’t about you; it’s about them. By reframing these moments, you can depersonalize the interaction and choose whether to respond based on what feels aligned with your values and priorities.

Your family is already enough. Their inability to understand isn’t your responsibility—it’s theirs.