When we define love by what we can get from others, we set ourselves up for disappointment, resentment, and cycles of unfulfilling relationships.

• In parenting, we might overcompensate by trying to "earn" our child’s affection or approval, leaving us feeling drained and resentful when they naturally assert their independence.

• In partnerships, we may seek constant reassurance, feeling anxious or insecure when our partner doesn’t meet unspoken expectations.

• In our community, we might overextend ourselves, seeking external validation for our family’s worth, while neglecting our own emotional needs.

These patterns leave us walking on eggshells, overreacting to perceived slights, or feeling unseen—all of which pull us further away from the love and peace we crave. Recognizing these dynamics is the first step toward reclaiming a healthier, more fulfilling connection to love.

But love isn’t fragile. It’s not something to chase but something to be. The question isn’t how do I get love—or even how do I give love—but: How do I stop disconnecting from love?

What Love Isn’t 

1. Love Isn’t Infatuation:
   Infatuation often masquerades as love, but it’s rooted in projection. We idealize someone, seeing them not as they are but as who we want them to be. This creates an illusion that fades when reality sets in, leaving us chasing the next “perfect” connection.

2. Love Isn’t Seeking Approval:
   When we seek love as a way to feel “good enough,” we tie it to external validation. This turns love into a transaction: "I’ll be lovable if I achieve, please, or perform." True love doesn’t require you to prove your worth; it simply exists.

3. Love Isn’t Contingent on Others:
   Projection can lead us to believe love is something external—a gift others bestow upon us. But when we place the responsibility for love outside ourselves, we lose access to the love already within us.

The Real Question: How Do I Stop Disconnecting From Love?

The key to experiencing love isn’t about giving or getting it—it’s about removing the barriers that keep you from it. Love is always present, both within and around us, but our patterns of disconnection cloud our ability to feel it.

1. Identify Your Barriers to Love

• Projection: Are you projecting your unmet needs onto others and expecting them to fulfill them?

• Fear of Vulnerability: Do you avoid love because you fear rejection or hurt?

• Unworthiness: Do you believe you must “do” something to be worthy of love?

2. Return to Self-Compassion

The foundation of staying connected to love is learning to love yourself.

Questions to Reflect On:

• Where am I being critical or harsh with myself?

• How can I show myself more understanding in moments of difficulty?

• Am I withholding love from myself because I feel I need to earn it?

BTW the inner dialogue of "Not good enough" is a defense mechanism that falsely promises you can avoid pain by being different. But hard feelings aren’t problems—they’re proof you were brave enough to pursue what matters most, even when it meant risking disappointment, loss, and grief.

3. Practice Presence

Love exists in the present moment. When we dwell on the past or fear the future, we disconnect from the love available to us now.

• Notice moments of connection in your daily life: a smile, a shared laugh, a kind gesture. Soak those moments up fully. Expand your capacity to experience love in that moment. Even if it is uncomfortable (and it likely will be)

• Brene Brown talks about the concept of “foreboding joy” which is, paraphased, the fear of losing what we cherish most, causing us to brace for pain instead of embracing the moment. The antidote is practicing gratitude to anchor ourselves in the present and fully experience love and joy.

4. Release the Fear of Loneliness/Emptiness:

• Loneliness has power only when we avoid it. Sit with the discomfort it brings, and you’ll realize it isn’t as terrifying as it seems. When you stop fearing loneliness, you stop using others to fill it.

Living in Love: A Shift in Perspective 

Love isn’t a prize to be won or a commodity to be traded. Love is a Practice.