As queer parents, it’s easy to wonder if your child’s behavior or questions reflect your family’s unique structure. A middle schooler pulling away, a toddler asking tough questions about family dynamics, or a teen testing boundaries can feel like a reflection of your parenting—or even your family’s validity. But here’s the truth: what feels personal is often just developmentally normal.

Understanding what’s “normal” can be a powerful tool for parenting. It helps adjust expectations, manage emotions, and know when to seek additional support. But “normal” isn’t the goal. It’s a starting point for meeting your child where they are and helping them grow into who they’re meant to be. For queer parents, this lens becomes even more critical when milestones intersect with the unique challenges of navigating societal expectations and fostering pride in your family.

What Does “Normal” Mean in Parenting?

“Normal” in child development refers to common patterns of behavior and milestones expected at certain ages. These aren’t rules but guides that help you understand what’s typical for kids at a particular stage.

Why does this matter? Knowing what’s normal allows you to:

• Adjust Expectations: Understanding that a toddler’s tantrum is about their learning process, not your parenting, lets you respond with compassion rather than frustration.

• Depersonalize Behavior: A middle schooler prioritizing peer acceptance isn’t rejecting you—they’re practicing independence, which is critical for their growth.

• Identify When to Seek Help: Familiarity with developmental milestones helps you recognize when something may require additional tools, resources, or professional support.

“Normal” isn’t perfection or a goal to achieve. It’s a context that allows you to meet your child where they are, helping them learn and grow while keeping your emotions in check.

When “Normal” Intersects with Queer Parenting

For queer parents, common developmental stages can intersect with unique challenges that often amplify underlying insecurities or triggers. While I’m not a developmental expert, let’s use a few common examples to illustrate the point and spark further reflection:

• Middle School and Peer Focus: It’s developmentally normal for middle schoolers to pull away from parents and focus on peer connections. For queer families, this might include questions like, “How do I explain having two moms to my friends?” Understanding their need to fit in helps you provide tools for navigating these questions with pride and confidence.

• Toddler Curiosity: Toddlers asking, “Why do I have two dads?” or “Why don’t I have a mom?” may feel heavy if you’re processing your own doubts or past experiences. Knowing that curiosity is a normal part of their learning allows you to answer with simplicity and love.

• Teen Independence: Teens testing boundaries is normal as they assert independence. In queer families, this might include challenges like questioning family values or expressing frustration with being “different.” Understanding their need for autonomy helps you engage them in conversations that balance respect for their growth with affirming your family’s identity.

These milestones aren’t about you or your family—they’re about your child’s development. Viewing them through the lens of “normal” helps you take them less personally. It allows you to focus on understanding their needs, seek expert guidance on their stage of development, and respond with curiosity and intention instead of defensiveness or trepidation. 

Tools for Navigating “Normal” as a Queer Parent

1. Anticipate Developmental Stages

Equip yourself with knowledge about what’s typical for your child’s age. Knowing what’s normal frames challenges as opportunities for growth, not failure.

2. Depersonalize Behavior

When behavior feels triggering, remind yourself: “This is about their development, not my parenting or our family dynamic.”
Focus on their learning process: What are they practicing or working through? How can you support their growth instead of trying to control outcomes?

3. Model Resilience and Pride

Your child is watching how you navigate challenges. Respond to their questions about family structure with confidence and love. Show them that being different is a strength, not a burden. This models how to navigate adversity with grace and authenticity.

While I encourage you to explore trusted resources for a deeper understanding of your child’s stage, the real work comes in how you interpret and respond to what you learn.

When Parenting Feels Hard: Compassion for Yourself

Parenting isn’t just about shaping your child—it’s also an invitation to grow yourself.

Big emotional reactions to your child’s behavior are opportunities for self-reflection - it’s worth asking: What belief or fear is this touching on for me? Is this their experience, or am I projecting? Instead of trying to change your child’s behavior to soothe your discomfort, focus on understanding and addressing these feelings within yourself.

This doesn’t mean ignoring the moment with your child—it means separating your emotional response from what they need. By working through your own triggers, you can show up for your child with clarity and curiosity, helping them navigate their own challenges without the weight of your unexamined fears.

When your child’s behavior pushes your buttons:

• Come Back to Your Values: What matters most in this moment? How can you align your response with your long-term vision for your family?

• Do Your Inner Work: When their behavior triggers frustration or fear, use it as a mirror. Are you expecting a toddler to be more patient than you are? What can you model instead?

• Have Self-Compassion: Family dynamics are deeply emotional, and change is hard. Role model self-compassion too - be both accountable and gentle with yourself as you learn, adapt, and refine your approach.

Reframing “Normal” as a Tool, Not a Goal

Normal isn’t about achieving perfection—it’s about creating understanding. By knowing what’s typical at each stage of childhood, you can adjust expectations, focus on growth, and meet your child with empathy and intention. For queer parents, this lens offers the added benefit of navigating milestones with pride, modeling resilience, and creating a family dynamic rooted in love and authenticity.

At every stage, ask yourself:

• Is this behavior typical for their age?

• What tools can I use to help them grow through this?

• What do I want them to learn about love, connection, and identity from this moment?

Parenting is about progress, not perfection. By embracing “normal” as a tool and meeting your child where they are, you’re creating something extraordinary—a family grounded in pride, resilience, and connection.