How to Make One of the Biggest Decisions of Your Life: Exploring Parenthood as a Queer Person
Jan 10, 2025Deciding whether to become a parent is one of the most profound choices you’ll ever make, especially as a queer person navigating societal pressures and systemic challenges. While it’s a deeply personal decision, for many, there’s also a sense of urgency—a biological clock or external factors that won’t wait forever.
The good news? Reflecting on your fears, hopes, and values now isn’t just about clarity on this one life-altering decision—it’s an opportunity to connect more deeply with what matters most to you. Whether your answer is yes, no, or not yet, this process will help you move forward with confidence, intention, and purpose.
Before we dive into the hard questions—and there are HARD questions—it’s important to remember the magic and joy that comes with parenting. As a queer parent, you have a unique ability to model courage, authenticity, and resilience. You create a family where love is the foundation and difference is celebrated. The connection you’ll build with your child is unlike any other, rooted in the intention and care it took to bring them into your life. Parenting is a challenge, yes, but it’s also an invitation to experience joy and purpose in ways you may not yet have imagined.
Universal Considerations:
For queer couples, building a family is almost always a deliberate choice, requiring significant time, money, and emotional investment. This naturally prompts deep reflection about what parenthood will mean. However, raising a child is no small undertaking, and even couples who don’t face these barriers are asking the same hard questions about whether parenting is the right path for them. These are some universal considerations you can reflect on in deciding whether parenting is right for you:
- Am I Giving Up Too Much?
Parenthood inevitably comes with sacrifices—there’s no avoiding it. The question isn’t just about what you’ll lose but whether what you’ll gain makes it worthwhile. You might let go of certain freedoms, routines, or parts of your identity, but parenting also offers the chance to create deep connections, joy, and purpose. The key is reflecting on what matters most to you and finding ways to honor your passions while embracing the meaningful changes parenting brings.
Questions to Reflect On:
- How can I ensure I don’t lose too much freedom, passions, relationships, sense of identity, or the life I’ve built while still being the kind of parent I want to be?
- What resources—time, money, energy—do I need to make this possible? Do I have them? Or can I get them?
- Is now the right time, or am I able to wait until I have more capacity to give without feeling like I am giving up too much of myself?
- Can I Handle the Hard Parts of Parenting?
Parenting is hard—emotionally, mentally, and physically. The question isn’t whether you can avoid the challenges but deciding if these challenges are the kind of meaningful, rewarding effort you want to embrace as part of your life.
Questions to Reflect On:
- Am I willing to embrace the hard days—tantrums, sleepless nights, and endless questions—for the chance to build an incredible bond and share the joy of seeing my child grow?
- What will I do if I unintentionally repeat mistakes my parents made, and how will I repair them?
- How will I stay resilient during the hardest moments?
- Am I Breaking a Cycle or Repeating It?
Many prospective parents grapple with how their own upbringing shapes their vision for parenting. You might question whether you’ll carry forward the positive aspects of your childhood while avoiding repeating harmful patterns. By committing to self-awareness, seeking resources, and creating a support system, you can actively align your parenting with the values you want to model, even as you continue your own journey.
Questions to Reflect On:
- What patterns from my childhood do I want to carry forward or leave behind?
- Have I done the personal work to break the greatest cycles of harm?
- What resources will I rely on—both now and when I’m a parent—to continue growing and avoid repeating harmful cycles?
- How Will This Change My Relationship with My Significant Other?
Parenting doesn’t just change your life—it transforms your relationship. It introduces new layers of complexity to how you navigate roles, responsibilities, and connection as partners. Balancing the demands of parenting with maintaining intimacy and teamwork can be challenging, but it’s also an opportunity to grow together. Open communication, intentional division of labor, and shared goals can help you stay aligned and strengthen your bond, even as your relationship evolves in this new chapter.
Questions to Reflect On:
- Will parenting bring my partner and me closer, or will it highlight existing cracks?
- How will we navigate roles and responsibilities as a team in a way that feels fair & balanced?
- How do I prepare for the inevitable shifts in romance, connection, and shared priorities?
- What Happens If I Fail?
The fear of failure is universal, but parenting isn’t about always getting it right. Your child is their own person, shaped by countless factors beyond your control. Even moments of resentment or misunderstanding don’t mean you’ve failed.
These questions are an opportunity to define success as a parent on your own terms.
Questions to Reflect On:
- How will I define success as a parent, independent of who my child is and how they behave?
- How do I navigate self-doubt and guilt while striving to be a good parent?
- Am I prepared to embrace my child’s autonomy, even when their choices or feelings differ from what I hoped?
- How can I focus on modeling integrity, love, and resilience, knowing I won’t control every outcome?
- Societal Expectations vs. Personal Desires
You have the freedom to define what family means to you, on your own terms. This section is about stepping back from expectations—whether it’s pressure to be a parent or the assumption that it’s not for you—and making decisions that align with your values, vision, and desires.
Questions to Reflect On:
- Am I considering parenthood because it’s expected of me—or because it’s what I truly want?
- How do I ensure my parenting style reflects my values, not just societal norms?
Queer-Specific Considerations
Having queer parents isn’t something to overcome—it’s an incredible gift. You offer your child a lens of courage, self-discovery, and intentionality that shapes their understanding of love and family.
But there are unique challenges our kids and families face. When you unpack these challenges, you can bring clarity, intention, and resilience to your parenting journey. Addressing them openly creates space for your child to navigate the world with pride and confidence, while also strengthening the foundation of your family.
1. Will My Child Be Safe and Belong?
As a parent, it’s natural to worry about your child’s safety. But it’s important to distinguish between physical and emotional safety, as each requires a different approach. While physical safety is something every queer family must assess based on their unique circumstances, emotional safety offers an incredible opportunity to teach resilience and celebrate the gifts of difference.
Questions to Reflect On:
- What level of safety do I need to create for them, and can I do that?
- How can I teach my child to embrace their family and their differences with pride?
- What support systems will we need to create a sense of belonging?
- What does it look like to protect my child in a way that empowers their resilience, rather than shielding them completely from life’s challenges?
2. How Will We Navigate DNA & Heteronormative Gender Roles?
Questions about DNA and biological ties can arise when considering donor conception, surrogacy, adoption, or fostering. Some parents may worry whether their child will feel a deeper bond with a biological parent or whether the absence of that connection could lead to feelings of incompleteness. On top of that, heteronormative family models often prioritize binary gender roles, queer parents wonder if their kids will miss or need a traditionally gendered role model.
Questions to Reflect On:
- Will my child feel like they’re missing something, like a biological parent or a gender-specific role model? How will we handle that?
- What role will biology play in our child’s understanding of family?
- How can I ensure the non-bio parent feels a strong connection to our child?
- How Do I Handle Rejection or Absence from Family of Origin?
For many queer people, parenthood can reopen unresolved tensions with their family of origin. Questions of acceptance, rejection, or even absence can feel especially poignant when considering the kind of love and support you want for your child. If your family of origin isn’t supportive, it can be painful to grieve that loss while building a new vision of family. However, it’s also an opportunity to embrace chosen family and create a community that surrounds your child with love, support, and belonging.
Questions to Reflect On:
- What if my family doesn’t support my decision to become a parent?
- How will I grieve their absence or disapproval while ensuring my child feels surrounded by love and doesn’t internalize shame or rejection?
- How can I create a chosen family that provides the support and connection we need?
4. Community and Belonging
There are so many kinds of queer families, yet even in a big city, you might find yourself as the only one like yours in certain spaces—pregnancy classes, your child’s school, parenting groups. This can feel isolating, but it’s also a chance to build community intentionally.
Questions to Reflect On:
- How will I stay connected to a supportive community?
- What steps can I take to build a network of people who celebrate my identity and family?
- How do I navigate spaces where I might not feel understood?
5. Will I Be a Good Role Model?
This question often weighs heavily on queer parents. Being a good role model doesn’t mean having it all figured out—it means modeling the courage to grow, adapt, and live authentically. Showing your kids how to embrace identity with pride, even while navigating your own challenges, teaches resilience, self-acceptance, and the value of ongoing growth.
Questions to Reflect On:
- How will I model pride and resilience for my child, even when I’m still working on it?
- How will I balance my own growth with the demands of parenthood?
- How can I prepare to confidently embrace the family I’m creating?
Final Thoughts: One Question at a Time
Deciding whether to become a parent is rarely a yes-or-no moment. It’s a process of sitting with your fears, hopes, and values—and unpacking them one by one.
Parenthood holds profound joy, love, and meaning, but there are new decisions and challenges every day.. The work you do now—whether you ultimately decide to become a parent or not—will leave you more connected to yourself and your values.
Take your time. Reflect. Each question you answer brings you closer to clarity and confidence, whether that leads you to parenthood or another path that feels just as true to you.
Remember: Reflection itself is an act of love—for yourself, your future family, and the life you’re building.