Making it work with your family of origin may feel like the right move—for you, for your kids, or for a sense of tradition. But what happens when the dynamic makes you question your values, your worth, or your ability to show up authentically?

The answer isn’t about choosing between staying silent or walking away. It’s about building a roadmap with tools that allow you to create the family experience you want while navigating challenges with clarity and grace. While the holidays often bring these challenges into sharper focus, the tools you’ll explore here are invaluable for navigating family dynamics every day of the year.

Step 1: Vision & Values—Start With What You Want

Before addressing what’s wrong or what you want to avoid, ask yourself: What do I want for my family this holiday season? And, What values are critical to align with all year, even during the holidays?

This is about imagining the bigger picture. What kind of experiences do you want to create for yourself and your children? Maybe you envision:

• A gathering where everyone feels safe, seen, and celebrated.

• A holiday where you leave feeling proud of how you showed up, no matter what.

• A holiday that feels magical and filled with connection, laughter, and joy.

Hold this vision and values in your mind as your starting point. It doesn’t need to be rigid—visions evolve as you learn and grow. What matters is having a guiding compass for your choices.

Anticipating Challenges

As you craft your vision, think about potential challenges. Are there relatives who struggle with acceptance? Are there topics that spark tension? Visualizing how you want to handle those situations in alignment with your values can help you navigate them with confidence.

Step 2: Requests—Invite Others to Align With Your Vision

Once you have a vision, the next step is giving people a chance to rise to it. Requests allow you to communicate what you need and open the door for collaboration.

Requests are not the same as boundaries. They don’t have consequences attached—they’re invitations. By making requests, you give others the opportunity to align with your vision and show that they value the relationship.

For example:

• “We’d love for you to avoid gendered language when talking about our child.”

• We’d appreciate it if discussions about our family structure avoided assumptions or stereotypes. Can we work together to make sure our time together is welcoming for everyone?

• “It would mean a lot if you asked about our adoption journey with curiosity instead of skepticism.”

Requests require vulnerability, but they also create the possibility for growth. If you don’t ask, you won’t know whether someone is willing to meet you where you need.

Step 3: Boundaries—Protect What Matters Most

While requests invite collaboration, boundaries protect your wellbeing and the values you hold for your family. They’re the lines you set when a situation becomes untenable.

The difference between requests and boundaries is consequences. Requests are about asking; boundaries are about enforcing. Some boundaries may be zero-tolerance, while others allow room for learning.

For example:

• Request: “It would mean a lot if you didn’t comment on our family’s parenting choices.”

• Boundary: “If parenting critiques continue, we’ll need to leave the conversation.”

Boundaries aren’t about punishment—they’re about creating safety. They teach your children that respect is non-negotiable and that your family deserves to be treated with dignity.

Navigating Gray Areas

Not every boundary has to be rigid. You can experiment and adjust as needed. For instance, you might give someone a second chance after a sincere apology or decide to reduce time spent with someone rather than cutting ties completely.

What’s important is that your boundaries align with your vision and values and feel manageable for you.

Family of Origin Dynamics Are Hard—Be Compassionate With Yourself

Changing family dynamics is one of the hardest emotional tasks anyone can take on. They’re steeped in history, habit, and often unspoken expectations. For queer parents, this work is even more emotionally charged because the stakes feel so high—you don’t want your children to internalize the same shame you may have experienced.

The tools of vision, requests, and boundaries aren’t about perfection. They’re about movement—testing, trying, and refining as you go. Some family members may rise to meet you; others may not. Either way, you’re creating a new story for your family—one rooted in intention, love, and authenticity.

The Big Picture: Moving Beyond Problems

It’s easy to get stuck in problem-solving mode during the holidays, but vision shifts the focus. By starting with what you want, inviting others to meet you there, and protecting what matters most, you can create a family experience that reflects your values.

And if your family of origin can’t align with that vision, chosen family is a beautiful alternative. The holiday season isn’t about forcing people into a mold—it’s about creating traditions that bring joy, pride, and connection to the people who matter most.

Your family’s story is yours to write. Let this season be a step toward the vision you deserve